For a very long time I have tried to find the person I use to be prior to Conduct Disorder. I use to be a spitfire. I was a happy go lucky, full of life, always laughing, never take life to seriously person. I loved who I was. I have searched and searched for that person but can’t really find her anymore. I catch a few glimpses of her here and there. But those glimpses are overshadowed by the person that I am now.
I am now an anxious person that has back up plans to my back up plans. I am constantly in a state of being on edge. I am one bad thing happening away from a panic attack. I realize how much I don’t fit in with regular society. I can spot a fake person a mile away. I cringe when I’m out and I hear a child try to manipulate their parents. Or and adult try to manipulate another adult. I just want to shake the parent or person and tell them to open their eyes. I am now much more likely to see the bad in the world then I am to see the good.
I can no longer watch the crime shows that use to be my favorite shows to watch. They just hit too close to home. I worry about things like viruses always waiting for the worst outcome. At the first sign of my kids being sick I inwardly panic that they will die from something as small as strep throat. I see danger of every kind lurking around me. I live in a constant state of waiting for the other boot to drop.
When good things happen it actually scares me. Because I’m just waiting for that good thing to be yanked from me. I never let my guard down. I’m never carefree. I’m a shell of the person I use to be. I hate a lot of aspects of the person I have come to be. This person that is constantly riddled with anxiety and suspicion. That can’t relax unless it is just the kiddos and me. And even then I’m on guard, watching them like a hawk to make sure they are okay. Praying that the phone won’t ring with bad news that will send me tail spinning again.
I try so hard to look at myself positively. I have definitely had some positive changes that are now a part of me. I have a inner strength that still surprises me. I am now a fierce protector of my home and my kiddos. I am not the pushover that I use to be before CD. But even though there is good changes that has happened to me. I still grieve the person that I use to be. Before I lost so much of me.
Now I am trying to make sense of who I am now. I’m trying to work on my issues with my anxiety. I keep telling myself that this is not forever and just for right now. But it feels like forever. It feels like I will never get back to who I use to be. I have been forever changed by this life. No longer do I believe that the system is there to help me and my family. No longer do I believe that love can conquer everything. No longer am I this naive person that believes everything will work out to have a happy ending. I miss those things about me. I loved the naive person that I use to be.
As I work through grieving my daughter, I know realize that I must also grieve me and the person I use to be. The person I can never go back to because that reality no longer exists. Now I must learn to love the broken, scared, anxious, always on guard me. I must learn to embrace the new me with my new strengths and weaknesses. I must accept myself for what I am and what I’m becoming. Because she deserves to be loved just as much as I loved the old me.
So I will grieve the me that is no more and embrace the person I am now. I will learn to love me in a whole new way and be patient with myself on my bad days. No longer throwing in my own face the person I use to be. Beating myself up for changing with my reality. I will learn to be understanding to this new me and stop seeing everything I do as failure because I’m no longer the fun loving, happy go lucky person I use to be.
I will grieve all that is no more. But I will also embrace all the good that has come with my new personality. I will become the best I can be, even as I miss the old me.