This has been a week from hell. I’m just so freaking tired of hell. I know understand the saying that no good deed goes unpunished. The harder I try to do good, the worse things are getting. I’m just so exhausted. I’m one freaking person.
I try so hard to do good. I try so hard to do what is right. I sit there calmly during every family therapy session and take every death threat, every I hate you, every F you that she throws at me. I firmly deal with her lies. Even as the therapist refuses to accept what I’m saying is true despite the mountain of documentation that I have and they have too. Every week I go through this hell. Then I look like a bad mom because I refuse her calls to harass me. Trying to be good and let her call once a week knowing every call will only be a repeat of what she says in family therapy.
Then I must participate in “normal” life. But there is nothing normal about my life. I have four hurting kids that desperately need therapy. But because their dad and I are separated the state requires both parents to consent to therapy. Which he will never do because he’s too scared what the kids will say about him. Screw the kids needing help its all about him.
Then he’s texting me expecting me to give him daily visitation with kids that don’t want to see him because they hate him. They heard him tell me yesterday he was not going to give me any money to pay for food or therapy. He’s paying the rent for a house he cant live in so that’s all we get from him. But he can’t live in the house because of his choices to hurt my babies.
Never taking any accountability. Everyone is at fault but him. The kids for making him mad and not listening perfectly. Me for holding him accountable for his actions. A constant reminder of just how my daughter acts. Bringing up so many wounds for the kids and I. Yet blocking us from getting the very help that we need.
Don’t qualify for a cheap attorney. The regular attorneys wanting thousands of dollars as they profit from this tragedy. Another road block as I try to piece back the destruction that is now our lives. Trying to give the kids the stability that they need, even as the ground is crumbling under my feet.
Fighting with everything in me to do what right. Even as they both cut me over and over again with their emotional knives. Silently screaming out in pain. But I can’t show it because the kids need me to keep it together. Always have to be okay no matter what is thrown at me.
Always having to fight to stand even as the ground crumbles under my feet. No break or relief in sight. Keeping my head down, pushing forward no matter what. Not knowing how to take another step but still taking it all the same. I’m so exhausted yet there is no reprieve. Having to battle everyday of my life. Trying to function normally even though there is nothing normal about any of this. I’m still fighting to stand as everything hits me. But damn it I’m one person. How much more can I take. How much more can these kids take. They see me trying so hard but know I’m different. That I’m fighting to not have panic attacks so they can have a normal mom. No time for PTSD because everything is on me and my kids need me. Shoving down every single feeling till I think I might burst. I’m doing my damn best to put their world’s back together as mine is crashing down around me. Yet I’m still fighting to stand. I am exhausted. I’m broken. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.