Hey y’all sorry I’ve not wrote in a while. Life has been crazy busy. Being a single parent to four kiddos is no joke. My hat goes off to all the single parents out there. I had no idea it was this hard. Thankfully I feel like I’m finally getting the hang of it. I finally have them in somewhat of a routine. They are finally back to their happy selves when they aren’t fighting with each other. Their friends are coming over again. Life for them is finally getting back to normal or something that resembles normal.
I wish I could say that the same is happening for me but it’s not. Everyday there is a new issue to deal with, a crisis to avert, a need to be met, school work to be done, regular life issues to deal with, and the list goes on and on. If it wasn’t for my amazing friends and my aunt I would not be able to make it through this. They say it takes a village to raise a child. But I see it takes a village just to keep me sane.
If not for my village I would probably be in jail or in some psychiatric ward. I can’t tell y’all how many times friends have had to talk me down because I have wanted nothing more than to go after my ex for how he’s treating our kids. There are no words to describe the depths of how much I despise than man. Yet they stay on the phone with me and listen to me let out all my anger, reminding me I look horrible in orange. Helping me process through my feelings so that by the time the calls over I am laughing and not in jail.
Or my friends that understand my PTSD and are willing to just sit in the darkness with me and do not judge me. Who love me through it because they know how hard I’m trying and at times the weight of everything just gets too heavy. Who are the light for me when all I can see is darkness. Who talk me down out of vicious panic attacks and remind me I won’t be like this forever. The friends I can call in the middle of the night because the nightmares are so terrifying and stay up with me so I’m not alone in my terror.
The ones that laugh as I call my daughter Psycho Suzy and my ex husband Psycho Sam because they know that just even saying their names triggers the hell out of me. They never judge me. They just love me right where I am. They encourage me. They remind me I’m doing a good job even though I feel like everything I do blows up in my face. They comfort me as I cry my eyes out because my whole world is crumbling beneath my feet.
It is because of this amazing village that I finally have the energy and want to write today. For a while there I thought I’d never write again. I could not put into words the hell I was living in. They give me strength to keep going even though many times I feel like I can’t. They are willing to watch the kids so I don’t have to give up on getting my degree. They stop their lives just to love on and take care of me.
I am so incredibly blessed to have such an amazing village that has chosen to surround me. That gives me their strength when I have none of my own. That love me so unconditionally and do not judge me. That encourage me to keep going when I don’t know how to take another step. I’d be lost without my village. If you are in my village, you know who you are. Thank you from the very deepest part of my heart. I could not be getting through any of this without all of you. I love all of you so much. I will forever be indebted to you. Because it truly takes a village to keep me sane.