For the last five years my life has been consumed with new normals. My first real taste of new normals started when my dad passed away five years ago. Followed shortly by my mother walking away from my siblings and I. I had to adjust to the fact that I no longer had parents. It is still something that I adjusting to. Especially because I so desperately wish I had parents right now.
There have been constant new normals with my oldest daughter. New behaviors to deal with. New therapist, new facilities, new threats that have now become just normal. The new normal of her never coming home because she is so incredibly dangerous. The new normal of fighting weekly to keep her locked up in a facility because she is so dangerous to herself, our family, and society as a whole. These are all now normals to me even though there is nothing normal about any of it.
Now there is the new normal that despite me giving my all for 14 years I am getting a divorce. All because my soon to be ex-husband refused to get help for his narcissistic behaviors and would not stop mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusing the kids and I. He still to this day takes no accountability for his abusive actions. Which is now another normal to the kids and I. He is still narcissistic and takes every opportunity possible to remind us that we don’t matter at all to him. It has become our normal.
Very angry and hurting children is another new normal in my life. They have lost their grandparents, their sister, and their dad in five short years. They have been through so much in their short little lives and they are angry. Which I totally understand. Because as an adult I’m angry too. I do my best to help them learn to be normal-ish in our abnormal circumstances. I encourage them to express their hurt and anger. I know what it does to a person to keep it bottled up. Nightmares are back to being normal in our house. We had just got the nightmares under control from their sister terrorizing them. Now their dad had to go and flip their world’s back upside down. So now nightly nightmares are a new normal again.
Stress and stress induced ptsd is also a new normal. The stress of dealing with my daughter has been unimaginable. But I had started to get better. My ptsd was calming down. The night terrors had stopped. I was sleeping again. I was not having panic attacks. I was doing good. But all that flew out the window when I found out that my ex-husband was abusing my kiddos when I was not home.
Since kicking him out my stress level has gone through the roof. Everything with him is a fight. Just trying to get him to buy food for his kids is a fight. The kids hate him and get so angry when he tries to come by and acts like nothing has happened. They take that anger out on me because I am safe and they know I’ll take it and still love them regardless. But dealing with all that stress and dealing with everything that comes with being a single parent. That stress has thrown my PTSD into over drive again. Where panic attacks and night terrors are once again daily normals for me.
There is nothing normal about any of this. Yet it is now my daily normal. New normals that I don’t want but must deal with. Praying for a day that good new normals will come. But until then I will do my best to give my kiddos the best life with the new normals that are now our life. New normals that are now just our normal.