I know I haven’t wrote in a while. I ended up getting very sick with a bad case of pneumonia that knocked me on my butt for weeks. For the last week I’ve mostly slept and tried to recover. Today is the first day that I actually feel semi normal again. I have received quite a few messages from readers wondering how things are going. To all that have wrote emails and messages on Facebook to check on me, Thank You!!!!
As far as how things are going? What can I say other then what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Right? Honestly that’s been my mantra for the last month. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and thank God for each day I make it through to another day. Every day is a new adventure with new things to figure out. But I’m doing it and I’m proud of myself.
The kiddos have been out of school for almost a month and will not be going back till September. So needless to say that’s been an adventure. Other than a few short trips to the grocery store or to the doctor I have been with the kids 24/7. Can I just be honest and say how much I miss them going to school. I love my kiddos so much. But goodness they can be a lot at times. I feel more like a referee than a mom most days. Thankfully the weather has been nice most days so they can play outside. I try to keep them occupied but we are all missing them going to school.
My oldest daughter is still up to her same old shenanigans. It’s just normal now. Family therapy is pretty much a joke at this point. I do my best just to grin and bear it. I’ve given up on ever getting any of the real issues dealt with. So basically I sit there quietly biting my tongue as she and her therapist outright lie about how much progress she is making. I know that the therapist has given up too. But I guess since she is not currently punching people and only cussing everyone out that’s progress in their eyes. On the bright side since I have not been pushing the issues that got her placed there the death threats have ceased at least for right now. I’m sure it will all ramp up again once this virus thing is over and she once again becomes determined to leave. But it’s been a nice reprieve for now.
My ex husband is still up to his same crap too. He has barely any contact with the kids. He does not help with them at all. It’s all on my shoulders. He still shows no remorse what so ever for hurting the kids. Which has upset the kids greatly. He does not care how much he’s hurting them now. Even our youngest who was a daddy’s girl has decided she does not want to see him or really talk to him anymore because of how he’s acting. We are all very blown away at his refusal to take accountability and lack of any remorse. He feels no obligation to take care of our family and pretty much acts like we don’t exist. It was a fight just to get him to call them. Which he does now just because he does not look bad when we go to court. But only after I had to threaten to tell the judge. So it’s a five second phone call to say good night and that’s it. It’s all still about him.
The kids are struggling with their anger towards him. I take the brunt of it because they see me as a safe person to take it out on. They know my love is unconditional. I do my best to take it and try to change their focus from their anger to something that will help them feel better. But it can be so defeating at times. They are so sweet and always apologize afterwards. We have had a lot of good talks that have come out of their angry outbursts. But it’s still defeating because I hurt so much for them and can’t fix this for them. I would give anything to make this all better for them.
I am doing my best to cope under all this pressure. Unfortunately school is the one place I have not been able to hold it together. I failed both my classes last term and am fighting not to fail one of my classes this term while already failing the other one. Thankfully I start new classes tomorrow that should not be too hard. I’ve decided to take a five week break in May and take that term off to focusing on trying to find a job and just try to breath. Unfortunately this has all pushed my graduation till next February. But once again all I can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other till I cross the finish line.
That’s my focus now is finish lines. The finish line of getting the kids through till they start school back in September. The finish line of getting my divorce in 10 months once this mandatory year separation is over. The finish line of getting a job so I can find a new home for the kiddos and I. The finish line of graduating and finally having my bachelor’s degree. And the finish line of trying to protect society from my daughter until she is 18 and I no longer have a say. Focusing on finish lines in what helps me to cope and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Especially when things get so overwhelming. Which has been a lot lately. That and reminding myself daily that what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.