Have you ever read a book that opened up an emotional can of worms? The book I was reading yesterday The Excommunicated Warrior did that to me. It made me look at my life in a whole new light. Here was someone I never met telling me my whole life story. Expressing the same pain, anger, bitterness, numbness, and so many other emotions that I have felt for so long. Knowing what it feels like to feel as lost as I have felt for so long. Dealing with many of the same PTSD symptoms that I have been dealing with for years. It was like watching my emotional life play out before my eyes. Boy what a can of worms did it open for me.
I could not sleep last night because I felt like I had a hurricane of emotions raging inside of me. So I did something I have not done in a very long time. I went out to my car, to my safe place and just started writing. I wrote till 4 in the morning. It was like everything came flooding out of me all at once. I could not get my fingers to type fast enough. By the end of it all I had wrote out everything. All the feelings I had been shoving down for years were finally free and on paper. Years of hurt, anger, betrayal, defeat, sadness, and so many other emotions were not longer trapped inside of me. When I was finally done writing I felt so exhausted but also so much lighter. The hurricane was gone and I could breath.
It was not until I woke up this morning that I truly understood what had happened last night. I knew I needed to get everything out but I did not understand the significance of what I was doing. I woke up at 8 am feeling fully refreshed even though I only had four hour of sleep. When I woke up I felt the difference immediately. For the first time in years I woke up happy. Really and truly happy. What I had done last night was I gave myself closure. I thought I needed closure from other people like my mom, my ex-husband, my daughter, and too many others to name. But I didn’t need it from any of them. I just needed to face everything I was feeling and get it all out instead of shoving it down over and over again. I had gave myself closure. And in giving myself closure I was able to write out the ending to a very painful chapter of my life.
Today I was able to start the next chapter of my life. I am finally at peace with the last chapter. It has closed. I learned so much from it and I will always carry the scars from it. But the ending has been wrote and now it is time for it to close. I do not know what this new chapter will bring. I know there will be a lot of ups and downs. I am still getting a divorce. My daughter is still going to act out. And with her impending discharge happening once this virus is over, I can only imagine what is about to happen. Honestly not much in my life has changed since yesterday. But I am okay with that. Because I am starting this new chapter genuinely happy and in a much healthier place mentally and emotionally.
I am so thankful that I was able to read this book. It gave me the missing puzzle pieces that I had searched for on my own for years. I am so thankful that through someone else’s struggles and life story I am finally able to make sense of my own struggles and story. While my PTSD is not magically healed and my problems are still the same, I am now in a much better and healthier place to deal with everything, and anything else life decides to throw at me. I am finally at peace. That is something I did not think would ever happen. Even better than being at peace I am truly happy. I haven’t been happy in years. I have had moments of happiness over the years. But truly and genuinely happy like what I feel now, I have not had that in years. I am so thankful for closure and to being able to start a new chapter in my life.