I haven’t done this in months. But here I am sitting in my car, smoking, and writing. As I feel compelled to stand watch over my children and my home. Knowing there is no sleep for tonight. As my brain tries to compose a battle plan that will include a plan for every possible eventuality that may come in the next few weeks to months. Knowing that this is pointless because my daughter always blind sides me. But unable to stop my brain from trying to come up with a plan.
I know she’s not free yet but every noise makes me jump. My nerves are on edge. Nothing I try relaxes me. Oh how I did not miss feeling like this. I am an ocean of emotions right now. I had finally stopped feeling like I was drowning. I was starting to really live again. But tonight by a single email all that has been ripped away and once again I’m drowning. Fighting for each breath as panic washes over me, and waves of fear and anger crash into me. Feelings I know so well from the hundreds and hundreds of nights I’ve spent just like this.
At first I did not know why I was taking this news so hard tonight. And then I realized it was because I feel like something has been stolen from me. I was finally getting my life together. I had finally made it out of my own personal hell. I was finally starting to become the real me. I was the happiest I’ve been in years. I thought I was finally starting to heal how broken I was. I was so hopeful for the future that I had even started to look into dating. But tonight was a brutal reminder but there is a second part of the real me. A part that I was trying to pretend did not exist in the moment. Maybe it’s because I fell for her lies or the lies of the facility that she was actually getting better. Or maybe I was just too focused on trying to fix me to really pay attention to what was going on. I realize now that I was in denial of who I truly am. That there’s a part of me I have yet to come to accept. And that is the fact that I am a mother of an emerging psychopath.
Tonight I am well aware of who I truly am. And the weight of the reality of I truly am is crushing me. I do not want to be this person. I want to go back to 24 hours ago when I felt normal. When I felt hopeful for the future. I want to wake up from this nightmare but I never will. It only changes it never ends. She still locked up and yet I already feel the soul-crushing guilt of what is to come. I know a thousand times over in my head this is not my fault. I know I’ve done everything humanly possible as a mother to get my child help I’ve gone above and beyond what most parents would have in the most difficult of circumstances. I know I bear no guilt and what she does. Unfortunately knowing it does not stop the guilt that I feel. The guilt that I have tried so hard to bury from the last time she was free and all the lives that she destroyed. And all the guilt for the lives that she is about to destroy.
Over and over waves of guilt, panic, anger, defeat, and fear come crashing over me again and again. I keep trying to write through the panic attack that keeps trying to come to the surface. All these feelings I know so well they’ve been my companions for years. Yet for some reason tonight they feel especially strong. The intensity as they wash over me takes my breath away.
I feel cheated that I had just finally got my PTSD under control only to have it all come crashing down on me by one simple email that has now changed my reality. Now every symptom I thought I could control I’m learning I had no control over at all. They’re all hitting at once. I’m not even sure how to cope. It’s why I’m writing now because it’s how I used to cope during the darkest times. I thought my life had come full circle because I was finally back to being me. I was finally going to have a future a happy future or so I believed. Little did I know yesterday my life really would come full circle today but not in the way I ever expected. Down to almost a year exactly my life came full circle in that I am now walking into hell again. And it was a brutal reminder that there is no happy endings in nightmares.
So now I must accept reality and once again fight this war. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been before. I’m resolved not to give up and accept defeat. I’ve learned how to stand on my own two feet and not back down from a battle. I may be getting hit with wave after wave. But I’m still standing. I may be fighting for each breath but at least I’m still fighting. If hell wants a fight then I’m goi